Tasher, I am sorry I failed you and mommy. She cannot get past my mistakes and I can not blame her. She does not see who the man I am now and who I became since she and you entered my life.  I know you love both of us deeply. And mommy will never understand what she means to me and you are the apex of love I have found that I never knew I had in me .

Its true I have been at war for decades with my self and thought faults not my own but in the end how I conducted my self with mommy was to damaging and she can not get past the past.

I will need to do something that you will not understand.   To get past her to find some way forward I will need to cut mommy out of my life completely.   NO photos , no communication, no items to remind me of what I had and lost and what could have been.    I will need to erase her from my life to make it to tomorrow.

But I will never forget you and I will keep you close with me always as you are my child and you were the future I have always wanted.   But was to selfish to prevent the destruction of the dream of having a family with you and mommy .

I will keep the tattoo and I will write your story and I will return to you as my only source of peace now. And after I cut mommy from my life simply because the pain will be overwhelming, I will always return to to you to keep me from reverting to what I once was. I will call for you when I am in pain like I did tonight.  And I will call to you when I find great moments of Joy.

Mommy is making a mistake. But it is hers to make. And I have to give into her demons and say goodbye to her. I made you a promise that I will never give up on the mother of my little girl.

I will take you to Amsterdam, I will take you to black rock city I will take you to heaven with me
I will write your story as if you were growing with me and I will seek all my happiness in my thoughts and dreams for you.     

I will get my life in order more than I have so I can devote as much time as I can to writing and living and teaching as I can in remembrance of you .       

Mommy will be OK without me.. She is young and will find love again but I am certain she will not forget you.    I only hope that she finds it in her heart to forgive me and for you to forgive me for my mistakes and I hope you can see what she can not that I am a good man with an amazing heart and some one that loves you very much.

I am not the man she thinks I am, and I know you know who I have become and what I am now and I promise you that I will not revert to my previous self as I have you to guild me though the rest of my life regardless of how long that may be.    

I know you are aware of the dark thought that have been with me recently and the pain I have been in.      you are now the one who gives me hope and will keep me alive in the darkest of times.